day 3:broken chin and the sisterhood

After telling various others about the circumstances and having a conversation with my boyfriend to keep me sane,a member of our ''sisterhood'' (as I have privately nicknamed our support network), my mother's long standing nurse friend, arrived in Tamworth yesterday afternoon. She supported us through the divorce 7 years ago,(when Mum was frankly at her lowest) and counselled me through digesting the diagnosis. I felt so grateful, as after 2 days,the lethargy was starting to set in and I finally collapsed into bed this afternoon feeling terrible,but my mum was as tough as old boots and rushed around like a dynamo cooking meals for everyone!

So after all this,we set out to Sainsbury's and Asda to buy my mother's recovery diet. I pride my mother on taking a positive attitude to this cancer,and she really went for it,feeding her body with all the good things that she knew would help to kill it. She also treated me to a pair of purple tights from the M & S sale (who says women can't have a bit of retail pleasure?) which I will wear with my Doc Martens. I did actually put my happy face on for my mother's sake,after having a little cry,threw on all my wonderful dangly jewellery,jazzed up my hair and put the world to rights.

In other news,my boyfriend didn't have a very good end to his night last night. It was his friend's 21st birthday,and they went out to Barnsley. Had a great time,got pissed and all that. But when I rang him this morning to see how he was and if he'd set off for Manchester,his reply was ''I'm actually on the bus to A + E'',which amazed me,as the only time he's been to A + E that I know of was in Salford (long story),but he explained that he'd fallen over and gashed his chin. Niiiiiiiice. So that got sorted,and I texted him after making my Marshmallow Squares this evening,and he rang me back to say that he thinks his drink may have been spiked. It's safe to say it is horrifying,had that actually occurred. I'm lucky not to have been a victim of date rape (having had various safety procedures drummed into me by my mother before I went out into the drinking world at 18 and watching Nikki Shadwick being a victim of date rape in Brookside at 9). My friends back home think I'm weird when I'm telling them to look after their drinks by putting their thumb in the top of their bottle,but better safe than sorry I think. There are scum out there who want to ruin the nights of partygoers,who take the law into their own hands. When no means no guys,take that for an answer. Women and men (yes,rape does happen to men,despite what some narrow minded people think) don't ask to be raped,due to the amount that they drink. The Government may put all these Drink Safe adverts out,but does it deter the frankly moronic and selfish actions of someone who goes out to spike an unsuspecting person's drink? No,it doesn't.

My boyfriend may call me Margaret Thatcher,but if I were Prime Minister,I would conduct drug searches on the bastards who make students',as well as adults' lives hell when we're out having a good time. Now if that turns me into a raging rightie,then goodness knows.

the waiting is all you can do.

the doctor rang this morning,and told my mother she needs an mri.

which will be Tuesday morning,and I am dreading it. The results probably won't be out until I come back from Ireland and go back to Barnsley to see my boyfriend,so unless I ring my mum and find out where the cancer is,I am still clueless and even more worried when it is my mum's issue,and not mine.

But it still sucks when it happens to someone so undeserving as your own mother,the woman who gave birth to you 20 years ago is struck with this disease and tells you to be normal. I will have to probably get a Tamiflu injection,because infecting her with swine flu is a big no-no.

Heh.

worse than shellshock.

I feel like laughing in the face of what I'm feeling right now,but that would just feel empty and callous.

But neither can I cry.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer on Tuesday.

We have no idea where it is until the doctor rings tomorrow.

Reactions were quite varied.

The first person I rang was my boyfriend. ''Bloody hell,I'm sorry to hear that''

Dad was next. He was gobsmacked.

So was my cousin,whose mother (my auntie) actually has terminal cancer after being diagnosed in the summer of 2007,when I was 17.

I've been in a deep blue funk since my mother told me the news.

I just want to be hugged right now.

we're all going on a summer holiday...and the economic crisis in the eyes of a 19 year old female socialist.

I'm setting off to the Emerald Isle in 2 weeks,and my, am I looking forward to it. Apart from the fact that one member of my family has been made redundant from his job as an architect (my uncle,who is also a Socialist) and Ireland as a whole is suffering very badly from the whole recession.
Which brings me onto the main topic of this blog. I watched Freefall on BBC Two on Tuesday night. The acting was amazing to say the least,but above all very gritty. Watching the guy from Queer As Folk (who is Irish) wanking in a toilet after securing a deal,then seeing him lose his job and subsequently killing himself,really brought it home. But the security guy who was conned into buying a house that he couldn't afford was the worst. He stormed into his old schoolfriend's house and screamed ''You sold me down the _________ river'',which is true of many businesses in the recession these days,they just took people for what they were worth and left them with nothing.
The whole drama had me fuming about the greed of the powers that be who rule our economy and live decadent lives,and my boyfriend had to calm me down (in truth I have the habit of doing a running commentary of things),and I stormed upstairs in a disgusted huff at just about everything.
Being in poverty is horrible. As a student that has been at university for the past year and who has struggled with mental health problems living with really decadent people when I was on £90 a week and could barely afford to pay for her accommodation,I knew what poverty is like. My boyfriend was also in that position himself when he was at university in Salford and I've watched him suffer the machinations of the Student Loans Company,who wrote to him and told him that they'd overpaid hi,m back when we first started going out. One time I was on my cycle and thought that I would be unable to buy sanitary towels,but he was willing to help me. That is poverty. When you can't feed yourself,or simply live at all because you don't have the means to do so, or because you can't prioritise your needs and live beyond your means. And this is what the powers that be knew,and exploited.

If you'd like to watch it on iPlayer,here's the link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00lrt0p/Freefall/

don't believe the hype.

Well I'm sorry,but anyone telling me not to believe the swine flu hype is clearly blessed with exemplary health,or just plain pig ignorant. Please don't piss me off. The lives of seventeen people have been claimed by the virus since it was announced in the media back when I was doing my first year university exams in April,and I refuse to leave Sheffield until I know that I am clear from any suspected symptoms.

Following my boyfriend waking up this morning complaining of a headache and other various body aches as well as a high temperature,my paranoia levels have gone sky high. Friends,as well as one of my family members who has suffered from asthma since she was yay high have told me to chill out,which has infuriated me even more due to the fact that my mother is now with her sister in South Wales after undergoing a biopsy last week (in which 2 breast lumps were removed),and she wants me to come down next week. Well,if I happen to contract swine flu,there is no chance. NO WAY.

What freaks me out even more is that a 6 year old girl in London died of the virus today,and both me and my boyfriend have family who live there (I have a cousin and an auntie). My boyfriend admitted the cruel irony this morning of laughing at the swine flu virus when the news first broke,but was cursing himself as he woke up in agony. The media,even though it may seem as if they are the capitalist scaremongers who want to lull us into a false sense of security,have reported that it has become a pandemic. Then,chances are it will be worse in autumn/winter.

And my,do I suffer like a bitch in the winter. My 18th birthday trip to Manchester was blighted by gastroenteritis,which a mutual friend of one of my school friends caught on the return trip to Nando's in Shropshire. I was cranky with one of my college friends and felt extremely shit. All I wanted to do was sleep and enjoy what was left of my birthday. Instead I had to get time off work (which the management were unhappy about-they still made me work 2 hours),catch up on A Level German subjunctive tenses,ate pralines and watched 24 Hour Party People while my mum saw a patient in the middle of the night while I fell asleep in a chair in front of the TV and had to skip college the next day.

Diversion aside,please don't try and reassure me that I'll be okay. Because it just isn't right now.

know your place.

because I CERTAINLY know mine,mister.

What right have you to talk about me behind my back to my own mother and call me scatty,and not expect me to react to that with a feeling of insult? You have only known me five minutes and from some mere observation, you tell my mother,who is always tired,not just because of the stress that she takes on daily,but because of what you two dictate to each other behind my back. For me to tell her to ''go to hell'' maybe went a bit too far,as she is my mother,but it felt like the ultimate betrayal for her to coincide with you,so that is why. We come as a package whether you like it or not. Your choice to be intimidated is not my problem,because I refuse to give up the woman who brought me into this world as her child 20 years ago. For you to go off on one because you simply don't understand me shows your failing to care as you claim,so don't give up the day job. I'm an adult. I say inappropriate things,we don't live in the Stone Age anymore where we MUST respect our elders. We're not perfect,this situation is far from because I didn't choose to leave my hometown. And that is why I resent you heartily at this moment. Until you respect how I feel,then you can consider me as nothing. I don't want your help,if that's what you call it,because half the time it means nothing.

This applies to anyone who wants to annoy me.

On another subject however,The Boy rang me in a tizz this morning (waking me up from a deep slumber,may I add) because he didn't want me to go to Africa in fear that something terrible would happen and that he wouldn't see me for months on end. Tough shit,this is life. MINE. When will people learn that I despise being treated like a second class citizen and deserve to be treated with respect? If it's not being the focus of my mother and boyfriend's stresses,it's the whining neediness of someone who is slowly driving me up to breaking point. Sure,I may have needs,but mine are based on me and no-one else due to my fragile state. Perhaps that is one positive thing that has been said to me by my mother's boyfriend,but something that I still fail to see after nearly half a year together with The Boy. It begs the question however,whether he will be a gibbering wreck should I pass my first year exams next Thursday,and then successfully get into the third year and go to Germany. I'll be 21 when I'm there,which is a milestone birthday for me,and I will endeavour to be there with my friends to celebrate,the rest of the time,who knows.
For the rest of the evening,I have a CV to write. Although jobs are like peanuts right now.

3 great things:sex,love and music.

1:the great british blowjob.

Oral sex.
praised and cursed by many,I love giving.
The reasons? Well,my boyfriend's face is enough,coupled with low moans and much begging to carry on. It is a no-fail way to get him off,which is great.

2: morning sex.

4am or right before you have to leave for uni,in my case. Ultimate wake up call.

3: The Butt. And Nothing But.

'Nuff said.

4. Sofa sex.

When the parents aren't about,this makes for a good quickie if he's horny. However, staunch feminists may see this as him just getting his. I don't,despite being a feminist myself. I'm a born thrillseeker.

5. The Femidom.

The best invention known to woman (and man).

And then there's the mushy love part...which as a woman,I'm a sucker for.

6: Night time calls.

He has now taken to saying that he loves me after a long conversation. All together now... ''Awwww'' :D

7.The Dating Game.

Believe it or not,I think that the way to a man's heart IS his stomach. So when I see him next weekend,yours truly is cooking him homemade pizza,with salad and giving him a bottle of wine (or whatever he chooses). It'll be 6 months in July,so I'm quite excited about this,so he can think of it as a pre anniversary treat. Though judging by this morning chez maman et son ami, I nearly burnt the house down making pancakes with bananas and maple syrup. Ma Potter's,anyone?*


Music:

Jape. Discovered this bloke while on holiday in Ireland,on the cover of Hot Press. His voice is amazing, as well as what he can do on a keyboard. Especially in a graveyard. And acoustically. His Nick Cave 'tache is also to die for.



Any Sheffield/West Yorkshire band gets my nod (The Long Blondes,Kaiser Chiefs,Pulp,Tiny Dancers,Reverend and the Makers)



The Manics. Just because I'm half Welsh and they come from Caerphilly,which is where my mum also hails from.



John Shuttleworth's Yorkshire Tea ad in the garage. ''Teatime is me time,a good use of free time'' Well thank you John,I'm now dying for a cup of Barry's Tea and milk. And maybe some Fox's bis-cuits.




Anyway,night all.

*Ma Potter's is an awesome restaurant in Sheffield's Meadowhall Centre. As is La Tapas. Wish I'd had gone to uni there now,but I wouldn't have met the boyfriend. And my cooking skills have got better since being back at Mum's.